#14, 2 revisions

Dear Mr. (not exactly)


Archaeologist Erin Matthews wonders if the ancient documents prove the story of the crucifixion has flaws. Members of her team are sweaty, smelly, and dirty. They’ve just unearthed another clay jar filled with mysterious parchments. Translations show they are between members of the same family.

A paragraph needs to flow in logical order. You've got the documents before the discovery. Here's the order: Erin Matthews team of sweaty smelly dirty archaeologists just unearthed another clay jar filled with mysterious parchments. Erin wonders if they prove the story of the crucifixion has flaws. Translations show...etc.

The Sons of Light, a religious sect, follow the team and learn about the discovery. Two thousand years ago, they dedicated their lives to protect the secret of the parchments. Chased, shot at, even kidnapped, the team is determined to continue their research. A final bloody attack forces Erin to make a choice. Should she continue to risk the lives of her team or give up the chance to expose a 2000-year old secret?

Well, let's not pick nits here, but 200o years ago, Jesus wasn't dead. He was nine years old. I know I know, it's nit picky, but yes, I'm persnickety about detail.

Now about these Sons of Light guys. Who are they? Jews? Early Christians? Aliens? Unless you're writing science fiction, you have to ground your story in historical fact. You can spin a yarn from those facts, but you have to start with fact.



If the story in the letters is true, it was Joseph, brother of Jesus, who was crucified in his place!

Um, wasn't it James who was the brother of Jesus, and Joseph was his father?

THE LAST SECRET is a 97,000-word thriller. I have enclosed my synopsis and sample chapters as per your web site.

Thriller? This is revisionist religious history. What are the stakes? Who cares? I'm guessing His Holiness Pope Benedict for starters, and maybe the entire Catholic Church not to mention the Greek Orthodox and most Protestants (except the Unitarians of course) but your job here is to tell me who the players are in your story.

Thank you for your consideration.

Sincerely,

-------------------------------------

Revision

Members of Archaeologist Erin Matthews team are sweaty, smelly, and dirty. They’ve just unearthed another clay jar filled with mysterious parchments. Translations show they are between members of the same family. Erin wonders if the ancient documents prove the story of the crucifixion has flaws.

Archaeologist isn't a name, it's a job. No cap. Is the most important thing about the team that they are sweaty smelly and dirty? It's not unusual that a dig team would be ss&d is it?

The Sons of Light, a religious sect, follow the team and learn about the discovery. Almost two thousand years ago, they dedicated their lives to protect the secret of the parchments. Chased, shot at, even kidnapped, the team is determined to continue their research. A final bloody attack forces Erin to make a choice. Should she continue to risk the lives of her team or give up the chance to expose a 2000-year old secret?



If the story in the letters is true, it was Joseph, a little known brother of Jesus, who was crucified in his place!


This kind of story is pretty old hat. I'd be much more interested in what happened AFTER Erin authenticates the parchment and the divinity of Jesus and all that other stuff is now called into doubt. I mean think about it, Pat Robertson would have to get a real job!

The problem with this is that non Christians, or the non-pious don't give a fig, and devout Christians won't read it cause it's blasphemous. Who's your audience here?


THE LAST SECRET is a 97,000-word thriller.

Thank you for your consideration.
----------------------------------------------
Revision #2


Dear Query Shark

Erin Matthews has had archaeology in her blood since she was a little girl. Her grandfather enticed her into the field with his stories of exotic places and amazing discoveries. Now, a noted archaeologist herself, Erin is leading a group at a dig on a tiny Greek Island. The team is exhausted, but exuberant, having unearthed another ancient clay jar filled with mysterious parchments. Preliminary translations simultaneously excite and frighten Erin. They suggest the story of the crucifixion has serious flaws.

The Sons of Light, a Judeo-Christian sect, has been following Erin and her team and learn about their discoveries. Almost two thousand years ago, members of the sect dedicated their lives to protect the secret of the parchments. Chased, shot at, even kidnapped, the team is determined to continue their research. A final bloody attack forces Erin to rethink her options. Should she continue risking the lives of her team to achieve her own fame and notoriety or give up the opportunity to expose the explosive 2000-year old secret? If the story in the letters is true, it was Joseph, a little known brother of Jesus, who was crucified in his place.

THE LAST SECRET is a 97,000-word thriller.

Thank you for your consideration.

Sincerely,


you got it!